The series of grief that has come along the past ten days has been very challenging to me. On September 3 I was shocked by the news that a dear friend whom I worked in Connecticut (who moved and lived the last couple of years in California) passed away with Covid. This really hit me as this man, who’s age was his only qualification to be a high risk, had no comorbidities. He wasn’t just fortunate to make it; and such he passed. My mother has been gone for nine years on September 6. Not a single day I have not thought of her and missed her. Five days ago, I received a text message from one of my closest friends (that moved from MA to FL this year), that his father died. Worse, because of the international travel restrictions due to Corona, he will not be able to go back to the Philippines to pay his final respect. I felt his pain, I have the same predicament when my Mom passed. I have expressed my sympathy and advised him on what to do so he had some closure. On Wednesday, one of my closest colleagues at work bid goodbye. I saw (and she knew) it coming and it’s only a matter of time, but still that caught me by surprise and felt sorry.
I always consider myself as a strong person. I feel like I handle myself well in crises like these. Though these affected me tremendously, I continue to carry on. I tried to. Then all the emotions that I thought I have contained- burst on Thursday. Something had triggered it and I had a breakdown. I cried out. For some moment I lost it. My husband hugged me and comforted me as I cried on his chest. He is my greatest pacifier indeed. Then I feel better again. How long can one endure pains and heartaches before he finally breaks down? I don’t know the exact answer, but I know I am resilient.
I decided at that point that I have to do something I am best at so I grabbed my bag and camera and found myself driving to St Augustine. My camera is my sanctuary. Taking pictures brings me soothing feeling and calms my mind. I did this for almost four hours and drove back and greeted by my husband and dogs as I joined them in the living room. We held hands. The aches didn’t go away totally but somehow I felt relieved.
Lion’s Bridge. Saint Augustine, FL. 09.10.2020
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over; but one thing is certain: When you come out of the storm, you are not the same person who walked in. That’s this storm’s all about.” – Haruki Murakami