ON CROSSROADS AND UNCERTAINTIES

Last October I started taking care of a couple who’s been married for sixty five years.  They recently moved in a memory care unit- the wife has a significant case of dementia, and the husband was there to be with the wife- he didn’t have any memory problem and could have been more appropriate to be in an assisted living, but chose to be with the wife instead. He however has Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia and just signed up for hospice care.  Once again, for the purpose of confidentiality, she will be referred to J and he F.  

Their families are very involved with their care.  They are closely knit and always visit J and F- one child after another or sometimes the entire clan are around. Like their mom and dad, they were also nice and friendly. In the brief time I took care of this couple, I learned about their love story- on how they met each other until the time they got married have kids, and now being confined to a home that they didn’t dream to be at.  Both from the stories J would tell me (on her lucid moments) and from the conversations F and I would sometimes engaged with,  it is but fascinating to know a love story tested by time and trials like theirs.  

I am always curious about how such strong relationship handles life’s challenges; so in one of my conversations with F, I asked him how he handles their current situation. F said that nothing is sure in life- you just have to gamble and keep moving wherever the road takes you. F also said that there’s going to be bumps on the path you take, and there may be some times you will think you may not be able to get out of them; but just keep on moving.  As he continued talking, he expressed that he is more scared of leaving J (than him dying) as he doesn’t know how she would cope up as they were never been separated before. Neither him nor J doesn’t know how to live with the other’s absence. I just listened to him talking. 

Three weeks ago J and F’s family gathered together inside their room.  When I came to check both of them, the youngest daughter told me that F is not doing well.  I was away for a week and had just returned to my regular schedule so I didn’t know what happened from the time I last work until then.  Apparently, F’s condition has gotten worse- the past few days he stopped eating and refused to take medications anymore. I went inside his room and tried patting his shoulder and hold his hand briefly just to non-verbally tell him that everything’s gonna be OK. Then he uttered, “Thank you, Jun.” That night F passed away. 

That same week was my first attempt at night/astro-photography.  On my way home from work to get my gadgets and waited for my photography instructor that night- I looked up and saw a hazy and cloudy sky.  A little apprehensive and also too late to cancel the gig, I just decided to go for it.  As we drove to Truro, I have anticipated that the shoot will not going to be as good as I had hoped for.  Then out of the blue, I was reminded of my conversation with F. “Nothing is sure in life.. you just have to keep moving wherever the road will take you.”  True enough, what I expected to be cloudless sky, didn’t happen.  The odds were against me.  But my photography instructor was very kind and turned the night a great learning experience.  Though we didn’t have the milky way, the clouds paved way to have dramatic sky composition post processing. And to be honest, I liked the way the photos turned out.  

This is true as well in reference with my career.  After being a nurse for more than a decade, I feel I am in a crossroad- not knowing which way to go.  I have the strong feeling of leaving this noble profession and start a new one but on the other hand I know my patients need me.  On days that I feel frustrated (of the bureaucracy and not my patients) while working, are also days that I face challenging patients’ cases which fulfill me at the end of the day.  F was right about having bumps on the road and to just keep on moving. At this point, I am still unsure if I will totally leave the profession as this is where I draw my day-to-day inspiration. As far as I know I keep on moving and I know there’s always a great surprise for me at my unknown destination like that night I first tried astro-photography. 

Truro Highland Lighthouse at night in Truro, MA 11.07.2018 shot at 2AM.

JUST LIKE THE SUNRISE AND THE SUNSETS...

My first introduction with Lou Gehrig's disease was when I took up my Master's Degree in Educational Psychology in the university. One of the books that my late Professor assigned in our reading requirements was "Tuesdays with Morrie."  The book is about Morrie, a university professor who after being diagnosed with Amyotropic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS- or the more popular name Lou Gehrig's Disease), started writing down his thoughts and philosophies about love, relationships, living and even dying. He was featured in a TV show Dateline, one of his former students, Mitch coincidentally happened to watch the show.  

Mitch looked up to his professor as his mentor during his university days. He reconnected with Morrie and took time off from his busy work for them to meet up together on Tuesdays, thus the book called Tuesdays with Morrie. Together they discussed Morrie’s written philosophies- about love, relationships, life and death. 

It has been two decades since I first read the book; I didn’t end up finishing my masters as I shifted my career to nursing which I can say, is as fulfilling as teaching is. I never really met someone with ALS until early this year while working as a visiting nurse. For the purpose of confidentiality, I will call this patient with the initials MC. MC has been diagnosed with ALS, and because there are no detailed history of her physical records on her electronic chart, I don’t exactly know the extent she has been ill. Although it is evident that she has been suffering from it for a while.  In fact, she already lost the ability to swallow when I first met her and I know from what I read about the disease, that MC doesn’t have so much time to live. 

MC became my regular assignment in almost of my daily routine.  When I visit her in the evenings to administer her food through tube feed, I always find her sitting by the window in her dining room.  As I take care of MC, I thought about the book- and somehow, directly or indirectly, I found myself starting to replicate how Morrie and Mitch's relationship.  MC and I started sharing and talking about life's lessons, stories about each other's experiences, feelings, and life in general.  I learned a lot from her as he lead an adventurous life as unmarried woman, and how most of her life was spent with her sister until her close sibling passed away. She had surfed the oceans of Hawaii and California, did SCUBA and sky diving, traveled a lot of places and noted that England was her favorite place to visit.  MC eventually settled here at the Cape, less than a mile from Gray's Beach, where she's a native of.  “You always go back home,” she told me with a smile. 

Our bond became deeper as the days went by. In each of my visits,  our conversations  have gradually moved from being casual to meaningful ones. One day, when we were engaged in a no-holds-barred discussion,  I asked her how she deals with the fact that tomorrow may not come for her. MC just looked at me quietly- and just when I thought I had offended her, she responded, “Jun… life is just like the sunrise and the sunsets; it's different everyday, but it comes in the morning… then by the end of the day, it goes away, and comes back again. That's how I see my self with this condition.”

MC continued on to liken her life to those natural events.  She further explained the main reason why she enjoyed watching sunrise and sunsets by the beach when she was still able to. Now that she is home bound, she spends her time by her window where she could still enjoy watching both sunrise and sunsets. I remained speechless;  I was admiring her in complete silence.  Although MC's level of disposition and personal outlook  in life is not new to me, it makes more sense now that I hear it from someone I personally know who battles to stay alive everyday. And just like the book I was introduced to from twenty years ago, MC is another person that for sure makes an impact in how I view life. 

As I write this blog, I am no longer the nurse that takes care of MC as she is no longer with the VNA service.  I hope and pray the best for her.  I tried to think as to when I started taking photos of both sunrise and sunsets; and in my recollection,  I started taking them as early as January but it wasn’t as enjoyable and significant as it is now that I have a different perspective on why I am taking them. The lessons I learned from the book from 20 years ago and my brief daily encounter with MC became the catalysts for me to appreciate more about my existence and how I should make it more meaningful. Life is beautiful. 

Please visit https://www.junbaniquedimages.com/collections-of-sunrise-and-sunsets/ to see some of my favorite sunrise and sunsets taken during this year's summer in the best places here at the Cape. Few of them were taken at Gray's Beach, which is a favorite place of MC, which she told me to pay a visit sometime back in spring.