TIDES AND UNDERTOWS

About a month ago I started my orientation working as an acute nurse again.  The first week was spent on learning the basic corporate policies; nothing different from the previous work places I have been. But like anybody who is starting a job, anxiety sets in easily as I commenced my training the following week at the unit/floor I am assigned to.  I guess it’s the combination of not knowing the computer program my new work place has (as its different from the ones I used in the past) and the challenge of knowing new people are the things that were making me anxious. Fair justifications I suppose. As days of orientation proceed, I started to get the hang of it and become more comfortable. 

Among the many aspects of nursing, the time I spent with computer documenting is my least favorite. Although I can understand that this part is as essential, I feel that documentations take away the most important part of patient care- being with the patient and helping them heal. But then you learn to juggle in between these. And this part sometimes is the one that gives me second thoughts of leaving my chosen career.  But as I have these thoughts of quitting, good things happen.  

On my third week of orientation, I was given an assignment with a challenging patient. I will call her RM214 as this was her room number. RM214 has severe wound on her genitalia extending to her peri-anal area. She is heavily loaded of high dose pain medications and is non-compliant with wound care. Some nurses already expressed frustrations of having her in their assignments. With such preconceived thoughts, my initial reaction was that I just have to make it through my three-day weekend shifts and I will be all set.  

So, I met her during hand off and exchanged the usual pleasantries. I can’t imagine how she acquired such significant injury at such a young age; her medical history tells me, but I still can’t fathom how. She seemed depressed and withdrawn.  She expressed that she had given up and didn’t care about what I would do with her wound anymore while crying. She wanted to leave and go against medical advise.  Without being judgmental, I could say she is a mess, but at the same time she seems lost.

I pride myself being a nurse. I know that one of the many traits I have is I always try to know my patients beyond just their names.  I reach out and talk to them.   This is what I did with RM214. During our initial conversation I learned that she has a husband and three young kids. I also found out that she likes being asked and be actively involved in things.  These were my hints. I held her accountable and not just a passive participant of her care.  I gave her choices. By the end of my 12-hour shift (and the entire three days), RM214 and I developed a good rapport.  She let me removed her wound dressing and have her participate in doing it. I let her wear gloves and hold some wound supplies.  We chatted about life while I changed the dressing.   In such little way, I let her be in control of her life.  I gave her some authority which I think may have been temporarily lost that caused her to be depressed and withdrawn. She thanked and hugged me when I discharged her on the third day.

The day after that long weekend at work I went to the beach to wash away my stress and regain some strength.  I played with the waves and enjoyed them on my feet- some of them were strong, some were gentle. The tides and undertows reminded me of what a weekend I just had. Nursing can be rewarding and rough sometimes that you feel like just giving up. But when you think you are not being significant, unexpected things like what I just experience take place.  In the end, it is hard to leave such a noble profession when you know you touch lives and make some difference- big or small.   

Have You Ever Wish Upon a Star?

When I was little there was a common belief among my circle of friends that wishes come true if you wish upon a star… a shooting star in particular. I kind of held on to that belief until maybe high school- when I learned that dreams come true if you work hard for them. But, from time to time, even at this age, I can’t help but wish anyway. There’s part of me which still thinks that, that childhood idea is real. 

My father’s house in the province.

 We grew up with limited resources. One escape from reality that I remember doing when I was young was to climb up our roof through a make shift wooden stairs my big brother made. At dusks and sometimes early evenings, I would stare at the sky watching the sun set while laying on my back on a rifted roof made of galvanized iron sheets. For a while I would wait for the stars. Then I’d speak to them and tell them what I would want to be when I grow up.  Sometimes I have lists- I couldn’t remember exactly what I wrote, but I knew they were simple wishes to better the lives of our family. 

 Fast forward to many years, my family and my situation now is far more different from what we were when younger. I am not sure if I can totally say that I am successful with my chosen career (as I still feel like I’m lost believe me!). For others that is what it may seem.  I am thankful for that perception; it keeps me on the ground and continue what I suppose to do.  But I credit this to my own motivation and hard work along with that thought of “your stars were perfectly aligned.”   

 In my recent trip to the Philippines I have the luxury of spending some time at my father’s hometown. While contemplating, I get to appreciate more our provincial home where we spent every summer as a young kid. Though it is distinctive from the house I grew up in the city, yet there are familiar resemblances to it.  I can see handprints of my family everywhere that were no different from the house we lived in the metro.  One particular structure that caught me was the basketball hoop my brother made for himself, his son and for my nephews. That brought smile on my face as the sight of it brings memory of my childhood. That night, I set up my camera underneath the hoop and waited for the night sky and shoot for my stars. Once again, I was a child wishing upon the stars… 

our make shift hut, now a parking place for the cars.

Our First 10 Days in Florida

We have been in Florida for 10 days now and we are settling into our rental in Deltona.  In some ways, it’s been like a dream as so many tasks and events fell into place nicely. We would like to thank everyone for all of your support and well wishes.  Here’s a brief update of our first 10 days:

Shenandoah Valley, VA

Our 4-day, 1,501-mile adventure went pretty much according to plan with just a few unannounced side trips from missed turns. The girls (Nikki and McCay) were great during the long days of riding and stopping at totally unfamiliar rest areas and sleep overs.  Nikki spent most of the time positioned over the back-seat air conditioner while McCay lay in the back.  A big shout-out goes to David and Tofu for hosting us in Connecticut on Friday night, and to Ann, Michael and Moxie for hosting us in South Carolina on Sunday night. In-between, we took a side trip through the Shenandoah Valley (a must see!) with its Skyline Road where scenic vistas abounded everywhere.  We stayed in a cabin on the Skyline at dog-friendly Big Meadows Lodge with a beautiful sunset and an outstanding restaurant.  

Florida Welcome Center

 On Monday, Florida greeted us with above average heat (mid-90’s) and the traditional afternoon thunderstorms. Ronald and Fian warmly greeted us and Ryan, our friend from Albuquerque, NM, with his dog Miquel relocated as well the same day.  This past weekend, our friend Ronald and I flew back to Connecticut, stayed at David’s and Tofu’s, and then drove my car Le Mans style in less than 20 hours down to Florida!  

Our rental is a spacious 4-bedroom house with a large fenced-in yard.  After a few nights sleeping on the air mattress, our PODS container arrived last Saturday. Thankfully unpacking was much easier and quicker than packing!  According to Bob, I have been great unpacking and turning the vacant house into an inviting temporary home as we wait for our new home to be built in Deland.

Please feel free to come on down and enjoy the warmth and sunshine.  We would love to host you for a few days or weeks!

Jun, Bob Nikki and McCay

ENDINGS ARE NEW BEGINNINGS

The last few weeks I was consumed of basically putting away and packing our belongings after our house became under contract.  My entire focus temporarily shifted that I forgot to take a sit and reflect on the things that are going on with our lives.  Now that the packing and loading are almost over, I get to take a break and breathe some air.  

 I was walking the dogs this morning when suddenly the thought of leaving finally hit me. The end is almost near. Almost four years of living at the Cape- I couldn’t help but feeling nostalgic. But ending is also a time to look forward. The memories Bob and I and our dogs created in the last years living here are another great picture I could hang on the walls of beautiful experiences we have. 

 With my tight and busy schedule trying to accomplish a deadline, I took a five-day off from work and it was only yesterday I returned.  At the start of the shift I asked my colleague the usual routine questions, “Who’s in the hospital? Who’s out? Etc.”  Then I learned that my 97 year old Lithuanian resident died peacefully last Friday while at rehabilitation coping from pneumonia she caught about a month ago.  While this event is foreseeable, I was still surprised that she is now gone. I remember when she first moved to memory care unit, she was confused, agitated and yelling constantly that she wanted to go home. Redirecting did very little but somehow, she got that this place is her new home.  Many nights I caught her in her solace and sometimes I talk to her. One conversation I had with her she said this is her final stop.   I knew what she spoke was about so I offered my hand and held hers tight.  As I got to know her, she has shared me so many fascinating stories of her life- one that I really liked about was her story of how her (and some) family survived the war in Europe.   I could feel the pain engraved in her memories and at the same time admired her exceptional strength surviving such sufferings.  I have a story of my great grandfather fighting the Japanese during the war as well, so we have a common ground. One night, when I was done giving care to all the residents, she sat next to me and told me in her strong Lithuanian accent, “you’re a good man…” followed by a pause.  I told her that she is brave and strong. Part of me felt sad when I learned that she passed.  Also, now I know what she meant by “I want to go home.” May she rest in peace.  

 In two weeks, we will be commemorating the first-year death anniversary of my best friend. Ironic that one year after her death, also marks our official Deland, Florida residence- the town she used to live. It took us one year to figure out that this is where it meant for us to go and be close to her family- and now also our family.  Similarly, I am about to start working in the hospital that has been so kind, helpful and compassionate to her while she courageously fought the big C. Though it didn’t turn out the way we all wanted, I am sure she’s smiling above for this decision both My partner and I made.  She is our guardian angel and she let everything fall into places.  

 Few nights ago, I explored the Sagamore Bridge once again for a night photo session.  I was there along with just the sound of the passing automobiles and the few early birds fishing. This is one of the two bridges that connects the Cape to the main land and I take this more often when I go on and off the Cape.  While this bridge is symbolic to many vacation goers that rest and relaxation has officially started once they crossed it, for us- by next week as we get off, it will be the beginning of another very exciting journey!

Sagamore Bridge, Cape Cod, Massachusetts shot on 06.03.2019 at 3.30AM

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL

Around January, my partner and I planned to visit some National Parks in New Mexico and parts of Arizona and Colorado.  In the past couple of years, we have been making big trips during second week of April to early parts of May.  Our birthdays are two weeks apart (He’s on second week of April and I am first week May), and we have decided to do major travels on those time in celebration of our special days.  But this year’s trip has to be cancelled about a month ago (as our lives has to be detoured and needed the timeout to accomplish something else), and just chose to go local this time instead.  So we decided to explore NorthShore’s areas of Gloucester and Rockport. 

The day started fine. With so much rain in the last couple of weeks, to finally see the sun as we woke up is a good start.  After packing, and bringing the girls to the dog sitter we headed to our destination. Two and a half hours later, we were at Rockport.  Both of us were hungry so we grabbed a quick lunch then started walking the streets after.  Rockport is a charming place; hence I took my camera out and started taking photographs as we wander around. The first that captured my eyesight and took time to appreciate is Motif Number 1 in Bradley Wharf. This is the most painted place in America.  Artists draw inspirations from this picturesque setting.  And just like others, I decided to set my tripod and captured some images. After a number of shots, the unimaginable happened! The tripod fell off and broke my filter and an expensive camera lens. Shocked and disappointed with the accident, my partner and I decided to go back to the car so I could change lenses. While walking, he was the greatest pacifier I ever needed. I couldn’t be happier. We continued walking and strolling the place then decided to proceed to our hotel in Gloucester, rest for a bit and watched the sunset across the street. It was beautiful. A great panorama to end his Birthday despite of.

That night, I started contemplating on things (or not things) I should be grateful for. Sometimes in my (or our) egocentric attitude I (we) tend to forget what really matters most.  I was very thankful that I have a partner that I have been celebrating birthdays with in the last 14 years. My emotions (towards earlier incident that caused a broken camera lens and filter) almost ruin our short birthday getaway, and yet he has the most understanding attitude towards it. He kept and continuously keeping my feet on the ground and checks me all the time. He is a wonderful partner, friend and husband and I am a one lucky man! 

Motif No.1 at Bradley Wharf, Rockport, Massachusetts 04.16.2019

SILVER LINING

The past few days that I have been taking photos of both sunrise and sunsets the sky was mostly covered with grey clouds. I can’t help but wonder if these clouds are reflections of my current state of mind- as if the sky can read me. Clouds humanize feelings.  I’m sure some great cotton candy-like clouds signify happy and beautiful moods. On the other hand, grey and dark clouds can be likened to loneliness and sadness or even anxiousness.

The past three weeks my partner and I have decided to embark on another journey. We have planned and sorted things out and finally came to a decision that we will be moving to the sunshine state. There were lots of reasons we have considered and why we were doing this and ultimately, we both agreed that finding a place that is warmer than the Cape is more beneficial to us. I wish that the Cape’s temperature stays on the 70’s year-round so we don’t have to leave.

“The only constant in life is change.” I have heard and read this quote perhaps a thousand times; and my life has been subjected to many changes as far as I can remember.  And to many, including myself, change is something that I am having a hard time dealing with. It brings me anxiety and when the fear of the unknown sets in, I grapple. I tend to be comfortable sometimes to the things I get so used to, and in this case- my jobs and my photography.  I have the convenience of less than a mile drive to work, and Cape Cod is pretty much a small area that you can drive to the beach within 5 minutes to capture a magnificent composition. Taking these luxuries away from me caused me an initial shock and disequilibrium.  Then the rationalization comes in and I internalize the situation briefly. Afterwards, I start feeling better and embrace the change with a better perspective and a good insight and focus and understand why changes need to happen to move forward.  I thank that my partner is always there to help me see the good through the obstacles. 

 The grey clouds in the sky are no different from how I feel in the last few days. When I have the first glimpse of them as I arrived at my selected location whether capturing a sunrise or sunset, I feel disappointed as it can hinder a perfect moment. But I stay despite of and study the entire perspective. And then I begin to see the silver lining, and become hopeful that it makes my composition better. 

 Happy Spring!  

Sunset at Grey’s Beach, South Yarmouth, MA 03.19.2019

LOVE PERSEVERES

I was having a second thought whether I should write something about Valentine’s day. I didn’t really want to sound like a cliché as February 14 is approaching and be part of the mainstream celebration.  Then I realized why not- after all, in my 43 years of existence, I have witnessed so many people fall in love in many forms.

Love Perseveres. My parents had been married 48 years when my Mom passed away. Their love endured. My father was a good provider, but with five children, it wasn’t enough. My mom supplemented through a lot of side jobs what my Dad fell short with. We are not a perfect family- we were faced with many challenges, and as a young kid, I have seen my parents many times lost their patience to a lot of things. They fought, but in the end, they remained each other’s strengths.  Their love persevered. 

Love is kind. In the last few months before my best friend succumbed to ovarian cancer, her husband has been by her side all the time tending to even the smallest request she would ask him- “get me some water... cook me some food… scratch my back..etc.” My best friend was very independent, and would never capitalize from her disease but I saw how her personality changed from the chemo drugs she took. Yet, her husband never complained about all these nuisances she caused him. For him all these favors she asked were nothing compared to how she braved her disease. In the end she was defeated by her illness but their relationship left us a proof of how their love was patient and kind. 

 Love is Love.  Then comes my own love story. Unlike my parents’ and my bestfriend’s love stories, mine weathered a different storm but nothing compared to the two I described previously.  My partner and I met each other online in 2005. We kept a long-distance relationship until I moved in the US in 2007. When work brought me to Connecticut, it continued to a semi-long-distance relationship.  I worked four days a week and commuted back to Massachusetts after my shift and spent a three-day weekend with him. This ran for almost 7 years. Distance was not only our challenge.  Though we have expressed genuine love for each other, back then our kind of love could not marry because of the then Defense of Marriage Act/DOMA which prohibits gay marriage.  When this law was repealed in 2013, we tied the knot- our families and friends were our witnesses as we celebrate this momentous event.

Each person I know- whether family, friends, colleagues and patients- I always ask them about their respective relationships and how they maintain a lasting one. The one response that stuck with me and tries to apply on my own is to love unconditionally. On our wedding day and perhaps yours too, one of the passages read to us was that from Corinthians 13:4-8. My partner and I are now almost six years married, and we always try to live everyday with the message from the passage:

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Happy Day of the Hearts!

Sunrise at Daytona Beach, FL

RETRACING MY FOOTSTEPS

January is synonymous to beginnings. Aside from the fact that it is the first month of the year, to many it is also a new start. And for some like me, January is also a great time to look back from where and how I started and reflect on what I have become. 

Christmas 2018 (and New Year) carried forward some good things to me as  2019 started. One of such was being virtually reunited with my highschool classmates and friends (through Facebook). Our high school batch’s 25th Year/Silver anniversary paved way to meeting my classmates again whom I lost contacts with since graduating high school. Though, I kept in touch with few, it is only this year that I actually reconnected to almost all of them. It feels good to keep updates about each others’ lives and recollect high school’s most memorable antics. 

I tend to believe that I had the best childhood. And last night, out of the blue I received an invitation from someone who created a Facebook group chat  with the group name (CMC One Big Fight) I am very familiar with growing up. One of my childhood friends made it. Since he has limited contact to all of us, the initial group of four immediately became the complete fourteen people as everyone added others whom they have contact to. I can’t believe that fourteen friends who grew up together in a small residential compound and separated because of life’s constant changes are now virtually connected again. This reconnection’s  timing was perfect! Winter blues kick in occasionally and with the group’s active conversations and sharing of photos from when we were growing up (kudos to Zaldy who was able to preserve these photos) certainly ease the homesickness.

Two weeks ago I decided to make a weekend trip to New York City mainly to capture Brooklyn’s Landscape. As I was on the train, it passed through Bridgeport, CT and I started feeling nostalgic about what and where was I more than a decade ago.  Bridgeport will always be special to me. This is where my career as a nurse all started- where I learned so much about caring and compassion and realistic approach to life’s situation. This is also where I met some great people and my truest friends whom I proudly can say for keeps. The nostalgia brought me to contact and create a group chat with my old colleagues whom I lived (and worked) with in one building we called Annex. The chat lasted only briefly as almost all of us are living in different time zones. For that brief period of time though, it made me feel as if we were in the common living room of the Annex building again.

And I was finally back in New York City for this time being. Not that I have not visited NYC since I left, but this time I felt this is something special than my previous revisits. A year ago I started taking photography seriously, and having New York City as one of the places I first live at when I moved in the US, I thought I ought to capture its own beauty. My goal is to capture the sunrise in Brooklyn Bridge. As I rode the subway going there, I also passed through familiar places I once enjoyed while living in this unique city. From Grand Central Station to Wall Street and to finally to Brooklyn Bridge- which I walked perhaps hundreds of times. I got at the bridge just in time when the sun was just beginning to light up the city that never sleeps. I spent a good hour to witness the magnificent reflections of the sun rays to New York’s towering skyscrapers, uttered some gratitude to this life I currently have which not many people experience. I am indeed thankful to this short trip as I retraced my footsteps. 

Sunrise at Brooklyn Bridge, NY 01.11.2019

ON NEW YEAR… REFLECTIONS OF THE PAST AND NEW HOPES FOR THE COMING YEAR

Every turn of the calendar year most of us reflect on how the previous year was good to us and we also look forward to a new year hoping that the current year will bring better things ahead.  Myself included, had fallen for these routines every year.  I usually become motivated to start a better version of myself than the previous year. 

2018 has been a meaningful year for me.  There were lots of experiences that became my turning points to see life differently. My re-discovering of photography for instance- though I started re-familiarizing myself with my camera again earlier in 2018, it only become profound when my best friend died. Photography, as I described in my previous blog, has become my strength to deal with loneliness.  But mostly, it also helped me appreciate nature more than I did before. The sea, the sun and the wildlife when photographed- brought me a different level of inner joy.

There were also lots of traveling both local and international my husband and I did in 2018. The trip to Europe were the most memorable for the year. For one, I was able to finally visit my sister who lives in Amsterdam, and my niece in Paris.  This complete my five-year goal to see all my siblings in places they chose to settle (My eldest sister lives in Kuala Lumpur and visited her in 2014; my 2nd older sister lives in Dublin and visited her in 2017, my brother lives in Manila so I see him whenever I am back home). A brief trip to the Netherlands, Brussels, and Paris broadened my horizon of the European culture and appreciate western civilization. Thanks to my husband who is also my travel buddy, for showcasing this beautiful experience in our amazing journey.

In 2018 also marked our 5thwedding anniversary.  Yes, it is only five (but been together longer), but to us it was a milestone. This was celebrated with a trip to Niagara Falls. The Hornblower ride towards the falls was the highlight, and it was both our firsts. 

2018 was a career game changer as well. I have been trying to stay away from the stressful life of being an acute hospital nurse and a minor change began in 2017 when I started working for the visiting nurse.  Mid 2018, I finally decided to be a Wellness Nurse- taking care of patients with Alzhemer’s and dementia.  It’s different from what I used to do, but with minimal to no stress at all. Will it be the last change? I don’t know, at this point I find meaning to what I do. Balance is the key as everyone says. 

And here comes 2019.  It is only the first day and it still a long way to go- the things I hope to do are unlimited at this point, still laying down the plans.  Though I am always thankful for the blessings I received and I always hope for good health for myself, my partner and our families, my daily prayer includes: to overcome life’s challenges and share the blessings to those in need.  It sounded so generic but those are my simple prayers. One of my great bosses shared this special poem by Dr. Howard Thurman one Christmas day, which I reflect upon when the year ends and a new one comes…

  When the song of the angels is stilled,

When the star in the sky is gone,

When the kings and princes are home,

When the shepherds are back with the flock, 

The work of Christmas begins:

To find the lost,

To heal the broken,

To feed the hungry,

To release the prisoner,

To rebuild the nations,

To bring peace among brothers,

To make music in the heart. 

Last sunrise of 2018 taken at Veteran’s Park in Hyannisport, MA 12.31.2018

ON CROSSROADS AND UNCERTAINTIES

Last October I started taking care of a couple who’s been married for sixty five years.  They recently moved in a memory care unit- the wife has a significant case of dementia, and the husband was there to be with the wife- he didn’t have any memory problem and could have been more appropriate to be in an assisted living, but chose to be with the wife instead. He however has Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia and just signed up for hospice care.  Once again, for the purpose of confidentiality, she will be referred to J and he F.  

Their families are very involved with their care.  They are closely knit and always visit J and F- one child after another or sometimes the entire clan are around. Like their mom and dad, they were also nice and friendly. In the brief time I took care of this couple, I learned about their love story- on how they met each other until the time they got married have kids, and now being confined to a home that they didn’t dream to be at.  Both from the stories J would tell me (on her lucid moments) and from the conversations F and I would sometimes engaged with,  it is but fascinating to know a love story tested by time and trials like theirs.  

I am always curious about how such strong relationship handles life’s challenges; so in one of my conversations with F, I asked him how he handles their current situation. F said that nothing is sure in life- you just have to gamble and keep moving wherever the road takes you. F also said that there’s going to be bumps on the path you take, and there may be some times you will think you may not be able to get out of them; but just keep on moving.  As he continued talking, he expressed that he is more scared of leaving J (than him dying) as he doesn’t know how she would cope up as they were never been separated before. Neither him nor J doesn’t know how to live with the other’s absence. I just listened to him talking. 

Three weeks ago J and F’s family gathered together inside their room.  When I came to check both of them, the youngest daughter told me that F is not doing well.  I was away for a week and had just returned to my regular schedule so I didn’t know what happened from the time I last work until then.  Apparently, F’s condition has gotten worse- the past few days he stopped eating and refused to take medications anymore. I went inside his room and tried patting his shoulder and hold his hand briefly just to non-verbally tell him that everything’s gonna be OK. Then he uttered, “Thank you, Jun.” That night F passed away. 

That same week was my first attempt at night/astro-photography.  On my way home from work to get my gadgets and waited for my photography instructor that night- I looked up and saw a hazy and cloudy sky.  A little apprehensive and also too late to cancel the gig, I just decided to go for it.  As we drove to Truro, I have anticipated that the shoot will not going to be as good as I had hoped for.  Then out of the blue, I was reminded of my conversation with F. “Nothing is sure in life.. you just have to keep moving wherever the road will take you.”  True enough, what I expected to be cloudless sky, didn’t happen.  The odds were against me.  But my photography instructor was very kind and turned the night a great learning experience.  Though we didn’t have the milky way, the clouds paved way to have dramatic sky composition post processing. And to be honest, I liked the way the photos turned out.  

This is true as well in reference with my career.  After being a nurse for more than a decade, I feel I am in a crossroad- not knowing which way to go.  I have the strong feeling of leaving this noble profession and start a new one but on the other hand I know my patients need me.  On days that I feel frustrated (of the bureaucracy and not my patients) while working, are also days that I face challenging patients’ cases which fulfill me at the end of the day.  F was right about having bumps on the road and to just keep on moving. At this point, I am still unsure if I will totally leave the profession as this is where I draw my day-to-day inspiration. As far as I know I keep on moving and I know there’s always a great surprise for me at my unknown destination like that night I first tried astro-photography. 

Truro Highland Lighthouse at night in Truro, MA 11.07.2018 shot at 2AM.

JUST LIKE THE SUNRISE AND THE SUNSETS...

My first introduction with Lou Gehrig's disease was when I took up my Master's Degree in Educational Psychology in the university. One of the books that my late Professor assigned in our reading requirements was "Tuesdays with Morrie."  The book is about Morrie, a university professor who after being diagnosed with Amyotropic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS- or the more popular name Lou Gehrig's Disease), started writing down his thoughts and philosophies about love, relationships, living and even dying. He was featured in a TV show Dateline, one of his former students, Mitch coincidentally happened to watch the show.  

Mitch looked up to his professor as his mentor during his university days. He reconnected with Morrie and took time off from his busy work for them to meet up together on Tuesdays, thus the book called Tuesdays with Morrie. Together they discussed Morrie’s written philosophies- about love, relationships, life and death. 

It has been two decades since I first read the book; I didn’t end up finishing my masters as I shifted my career to nursing which I can say, is as fulfilling as teaching is. I never really met someone with ALS until early this year while working as a visiting nurse. For the purpose of confidentiality, I will call this patient with the initials MC. MC has been diagnosed with ALS, and because there are no detailed history of her physical records on her electronic chart, I don’t exactly know the extent she has been ill. Although it is evident that she has been suffering from it for a while.  In fact, she already lost the ability to swallow when I first met her and I know from what I read about the disease, that MC doesn’t have so much time to live. 

MC became my regular assignment in almost of my daily routine.  When I visit her in the evenings to administer her food through tube feed, I always find her sitting by the window in her dining room.  As I take care of MC, I thought about the book- and somehow, directly or indirectly, I found myself starting to replicate how Morrie and Mitch's relationship.  MC and I started sharing and talking about life's lessons, stories about each other's experiences, feelings, and life in general.  I learned a lot from her as he lead an adventurous life as unmarried woman, and how most of her life was spent with her sister until her close sibling passed away. She had surfed the oceans of Hawaii and California, did SCUBA and sky diving, traveled a lot of places and noted that England was her favorite place to visit.  MC eventually settled here at the Cape, less than a mile from Gray's Beach, where she's a native of.  “You always go back home,” she told me with a smile. 

Our bond became deeper as the days went by. In each of my visits,  our conversations  have gradually moved from being casual to meaningful ones. One day, when we were engaged in a no-holds-barred discussion,  I asked her how she deals with the fact that tomorrow may not come for her. MC just looked at me quietly- and just when I thought I had offended her, she responded, “Jun… life is just like the sunrise and the sunsets; it's different everyday, but it comes in the morning… then by the end of the day, it goes away, and comes back again. That's how I see my self with this condition.”

MC continued on to liken her life to those natural events.  She further explained the main reason why she enjoyed watching sunrise and sunsets by the beach when she was still able to. Now that she is home bound, she spends her time by her window where she could still enjoy watching both sunrise and sunsets. I remained speechless;  I was admiring her in complete silence.  Although MC's level of disposition and personal outlook  in life is not new to me, it makes more sense now that I hear it from someone I personally know who battles to stay alive everyday. And just like the book I was introduced to from twenty years ago, MC is another person that for sure makes an impact in how I view life. 

As I write this blog, I am no longer the nurse that takes care of MC as she is no longer with the VNA service.  I hope and pray the best for her.  I tried to think as to when I started taking photos of both sunrise and sunsets; and in my recollection,  I started taking them as early as January but it wasn’t as enjoyable and significant as it is now that I have a different perspective on why I am taking them. The lessons I learned from the book from 20 years ago and my brief daily encounter with MC became the catalysts for me to appreciate more about my existence and how I should make it more meaningful. Life is beautiful. 

Please visit https://www.junbaniquedimages.com/collections-of-sunrise-and-sunsets/ to see some of my favorite sunrise and sunsets taken during this year's summer in the best places here at the Cape. Few of them were taken at Gray's Beach, which is a favorite place of MC, which she told me to pay a visit sometime back in spring. 

BEHIND THE INSPIRATION

Perhaps you may be wondering why my first blog is just an ordinary picture. Why not a photo of a beautiful landscape? a unique shot of something? or anything that is just impressive.  So many whys.. but here is why. 

This is a photo of me and Michelle; my bestfriend of 23 years.  I lost her from Ovarian Cancer which she battled for four years.  I lost her recently, exactly a month ago (we laid her to rest) as I published this first ever blog I created- and she was my inspiration.  She was and still is, in so many things- including photography.  

I have never taken photography seriously a great deal since high school (Photography was my elective in junior high). Yes, I owned cameras in the past- mostly the isometric ones when I was growing up. The ones you put films in them and develop in a photo lab later, hoping you captured great pictures. When digital cameras came into play in early 2000's the first person to own one that I knew was Michelle. She had the Sony digital camera; and we both loved how easy to take images with it without being worried of how much films we wasted. Then I got mine.  From then on, we took many pictures together of almost everything.  Photos of our loved ones and places we go together.  

I would like to think that I take good images, but I never considered to take it seriously. Photography has been placed in the back burner- as my life like many of you, is also busy juggling between work and domestic chores. In other words- I have no time. But not until recently, I found the passion again.  Having to go through with a lot of personal experiences and challenges in my life (my Mom and our cat Hank passing and two friends diagnosed with terminal disease one of whom was Michelle) in the last few years changed my overall life's perspective. It also bring the old time passion which I always like to do but never had the time- Photography. It has become my catharsis. My scapegoat to forget the sad experiences and at the same time heal my broken heart from the pain of losing my love ones.  In one of the birthday wishes Michelle gave me, she wrote me that she is encapsulating all our good memories in our hearts so that we will always have something we could turn to when we need respite from the outside world. That is exactly what photography does for me.  It has become my respite. 

I also feel I am more inspired now because I have a purpose- to capture the beauty of everything, that later I can rekindle even without being in the physical presence of the images- whether it's a person, a place or a thing. Just like this photo in this first blog.  In a typical photography critique class, this photo is an over exposed shot. But to every picture it has its story. This by far, is one of my favorite photos that was taken of me and Michelle- our very first trip to Miami, Florida in 2012. There were lots of fond memories it entailed in how exactly we ended there. But what I like most with this photo  is the way it captured both our smile while looking at another camera (and not really the one that took the shot). The face of happiness is as genuine as our friendship. Truly an inspiration. 

Michelle and I. First trip to Miami. February 2012.